Monday, August 13, 2012

Diary of a Real Pregnancy: Week 15 - I'm Old, and The Talk


Have I told you all that I'm of Advanced Maternal Age? In other words, in the OB world... old? Up until this point I've laughed at this notion... sure it took us a little longer to get pregnant this time, and we're doing some extra tests and scans, but besides that, 35 isn't actually OLD anymore, right?

Wrong. I am feeling every year of my 35 years. Or maybe it's just that I was hopelessly out of shape when I got pregnant. Whatever it is, I'm feeling it. A co-worker had the gall to come into the building at the same time as me the other morning, and of course since he took the stairs, I had to, too. Damn him. By the time I completed the third flight, I thought my lungs were going to implode, and my legs were on fire. Yep, 15 weeks and I'm feeling it. I was literally wheezing like a geriatric patient. This does not bode well for the rest of this pregnancy!

I feel like I should be doing something (other than eating... I've got that covered) in order to get in better shape. But when? How? What? Swimming? Haha. Maybe. But who has time? Yoga? Again. No time. I know I'd feel better if I did something, so it's something I'll need to think about. I didn't have to do anything the first two times. Damn being old.

Besides all that, this week was the week that my dear, sweet 5-year-old asked me The Question. Not THAT question (how'd it get in there?), the other one. Here's how it went.

I was on my computer (on thebump.com) and The Boy came over, asked what I was doing. I showed him the picture of what the baby looks like now and it's the size of an orange. He was fascinated, and wanted to see each week! All was fine until he asked to see week 40, and I pointed out that the baby was upside-down getting ready to come out.

Open mouth... insert foot.

He laughed and said, "Haha, the baby's FEET are going to come out of your mouth!". I laugh. Silly baby coming out upside-down. Hoping that was the end of it. (I am *terrible* at this, can you tell?)

He thinks about it a minute. Cogs turn. I think, 'Oh god.' And then... "But, HOW does the baby come out? At the hospital."

I feel myself clam up. This is NOT a big deal. WHY am I so stressed about this. I say "You know honey, it just... pops out." Yep. Totally accurate.

He says, "No but, how does it?" What I wanted to say? "Magic!"

Poof! Baby!


Okay. Fine. Fine. I'll just tell him. "Well honey the baby comes out of--" ohgod I have to say it "my... vagina." I might die, right now.

"Your... pachina? What's your pachina?" Seriously? So I say, "Honey it's like where girls pee, and stuff. You know - boys have a penis, girls have a vagina. Down there." Point in the general direction. He pulls a face and says "The baby's going to come out of your BUM???"

This is hilarious and horrific at the same time.

He looks to where I pointed. "Can I see your pachina?" I'm like, "NO you can't see my VAgina." He asks why. I say it's private. He says "But, you know me. So, it's okay. You can show me." LOL. Okay, our talk about keeping private things private except with your parents and people you trust sank in. But, omg. So I laugh and say "No, you are not seeing my vagina." Now please stop talking about my pachina!

Thank GOD he remembered why he came over to talk to me in the first place, and we went about our day without any more 'incidents'.

I swear I'll die the day either of my kids asks how it got in there. 

Previous: Week 14: Mush Brain and Baby Names
Next: Week 16: I Feel (Not) Pretty