Friday, February 17, 2012

Why Moms are so freaking stupid

You know that moment when you're in the middle of a conversation and you suddenly lose your train of thought... or say, "Did you tell me that already?". If you're talking to another parent, they'll likely say "Oh no worries." -- because they know. But your childless friends will look at you like "WTF, are you seriously that stupid? We literally just talked about that yesterday! You texted your husband to relay the story! You can't be that dense.". Well let me tell you: yes, yes we can.

Here's the reason: as moms, we have no less than four-hundred-and-fifty-five-thousand 'important' things running around in our brain at all times. It's a constant cycling of things to do, things to remember, things to get, people to talk to, oh right that thing I need to remember to do... it's relentless. I know I'm applying a vast generalization here, but it seems to me that Dads just don't suffer from this particular phenomenon. Either they're not thinking about all these little details, or they've found a way to keep track of crap that doesn't involve the constant to-do list scrolling past their medulla oblongata. I'm pretty sure they just don't think about all this stuff. Really, do the Dads know when registration dates are without hearing it from Mom?

Yes, the children also ate our brain when we were pregnant, so there's that... But it's The List. The non-stop frigging LIST. And here's the thing: if we need to jam something else in there, like whatever it is you just told me and said was 'critical', well something else is going to have to go, because I can't fit another thing in there. When you see me standing in front of the PIN pad at the grocery store, trying to remember my PIN (the same one I've had for 15 years), you'll understand why. Something had to give.

Here's just a sampling of the types things an average mom will have running through her head at all times.

  • little one needs more diapers at daycare
  • Bake Sale next week
  • ran out of chilli powder last time we made chilli
  • swimming registration this week... must remember to log in first thing Wednesday morning...
  • must find out where that smell is coming from
  • father-in-law's birthday next week or -- crap -- was it last week?
  • did I remember to record The Bachelor? must check DVR...
  • car is out of gas... again... must fill up before work tomorrow
  • do I have pants for tomorrow?
  • when was the last time I called my mom?
  • it just occurred to me I didn't check to make sure the big one was wearing underwear today
  • argh, the litter box...
  • is this the last diaper? in the whole house?
  • the kid's dentist appointment next Tuesday (alternative: when was the last time the kid was at the dentist?)
  • why is my eye twitching like that?
  • file taxes... right...
  • what did I just step in? must clean the floors...
  • library books due back next weekend
  • what did we sign up to bring in for the class party? more importantly why did we sign up?
  • should email some photos of the kids to the grandparents
  • when did I change the sheets last?
  • that damn lightbulb still needs to be replaced
  • where did I put my keys
  • seriously, What.Is.That.Smell.
  • oh crap have to take the casserole out of the freezer
  • really need to book a sitter for Friday night
  • should the kids be taking a multi-vitamin?
  • have to decide on summer camp before all the spots fill up
  • when does the car insurance run out again?
  • have to make a hair appointment... like last week
  • kids' snow pants need to be dried for tomorrow
  • did I lock the car?
  • the big kid needs a replacement set of spare clothes for school
  • how do we only have one glove for all six pairs?
  • do we have cash for the babysitter?
  • pay the cell phone bill
  • must make our summer vacation plans
  • wait, is the Bake Sale tomorrow?
  • Scholastic order due on the 10th
  • what are we doing this weekend
  • is the little one due for more shots soon?
  • we should be contributing to a college fund. Or two.
  • must plan the big one's birthday party next month
  • pretty sure none of the little one's pants fit anymore
  • is there a kid's birthday party this weekend?
  • this is the last bottle of wine. For all that is good and holy do not forget to pick up more wine.